Learning to Lean

Another week has come and gone, and it looks like we are getting closer to some answers! I met with my onocologist, Dr. Daphne Stewart, last Thursday and she was really quite wonderful and I feel confident in her ability to help me. So this week and the next consist of a large number of tests to get a more complete picture of the disease. For those of you keeping score at home I’m currently a stage IIa which means that the Hodgkin’s lymphoma is in 2 or more groups of lymph nodes, in my case the first CT-scan detected abnormalities in my neck and chest. The “a” refers to the fact that my lymphoma, at least for the moment, is asymptomatic.

Before getting into the new tests ahead, the results of the blood tests are in and as predicted, not everything is normal. The number of white blood cells, platelets, and neutrophils were all high and the tests for c-reactive protein and lactate dehydrogenase also revealed values well above the normal range. The new tests which I’m lined up for include a variety of diagnostic makers. A Full Body CT/PET scan is going to be done to get a picture of what cancer looks like throughout my body. PET scans use pretty neat technology employing fluorodeoxyglucose, a radioactive drug, that is tagged to glucose to make a radiotracer. Cancers use glucose for energy so the radiotracer, which tags the glucose, decays and emits a positron. The positron hits electrons in your body, is annihilated, and produces two photons which travel in 180 degrees from each other and into a detector which produces 3-dimensional, color images. Thank you physics.

I also have appointments for Resting Pulmonary Function which measures how well your lungs take in air as well as how efficient they are at distributing oxygen into the bloodstream. This test will be done every so often in my treatment because one of the drugs in the chemotherapy mix can potentially cause lung damage. I will also have an Echocardiogram which evaluates the size and function of the heart. Finally the last test I have is a Bone Marrow Biopsy. This is the one I’m slightly dreading, as a needle is inserted through the pelvis and into bone as bone marrow is removed for further analysis. At least when I do complete it I’m sure to get an honorary badge of awesome. And so will my parents, because without a doubt they have sacrificed a lot already during this time.

Something this experience is teaching me is to lean, to lean on my parents, friends, and family. To be honest, in general I’m pretty bad at letting other people help me. After some reflection I’ve decided this difficulty is probably made of three main components. The first: I don’t want to bother anyone else, because they probably have their own problems. The second: I believe my parents raised me to try to be self-sufficient, to be able to handle the changes in life. The third: Pride. I (at times) don’t believe I really need anyone else’s help or they can actually help me. All three of these combined present a rather sickening illness on its own and one that I’m trying to cure. This manifests itself in weird and sometimes amusing ways. For example, there was a time when I was working in science labs and if someone asked me if I knew a technique or concept I would immediately answer yes regardless if I actually did and then promptly go look it up on the internet. Fortunately those times have passed and I’m much more honest about needing help in the lab.

So for those of you who have reached out to help in this time, please know that I deeply appreciate it and I’m trying to get better at leaning on you and asking for help.

So here’s to leaning.
Leaning not on myself, not on my own understanding, but on hope.
Much love,

Paul